|Couteau. Cou-teau. COU-TEAU
||[Oct. 14th, 2003|12:48 am]
The American Caliban
|||||gauze and tape||]|
|||||The Heads - Damage I've Done||]|
Occasionally the contradictions, impossibilities, and disastrous limitations of my life all line up and point at me like accusing fingers and I completely freak out. This is one of those times. How is it that I get up every day and do this?
When I've once again noticed that my whole life is a huge freaking wreck and I spout off about it, people are nice and try to tell me the good things about me. These are always the things about me that make other people happy, like a good waiter would. Glad to be of service. Would rather have an actual life, like you. There may well be many people with tidy rooms, pleasant mates, and empty lives. I'd take that deal about now.
I'm that guy that every woman thinks would be great for someone else to date. The hypocrisy is almost worst than the rejection. Almost.
If I took out a #2 pencil and wrote down the specifics of my current life as a short paragraph on a nice clean new legal pad I would then immediately shoot myself in the head. Keep pencils away from me.
It's odd how I can simultaneously be having a pleasant conversation with friends, be entertaining, listen attentively and tell stories, and still at the same time feel that terrible yawning hellpit of self-hatred inside me. They're faking it, they're tolerating me, when I'm not around they shake their heads and say "poor guy, I wish he'd get it but there's no way".
I think I'll probably be alone until the day I die. There hasn't been much evidence to the contrary throughout my adult life. I wonder how one makes a bargain with that?
I refuse to be romantically self-indulgent about it. Bad news is just bad news, like shit on your shoe or a slough of toxic chemicals.
Christ I know how you feel and you've reached that Faustian point in life all learning and experience seems for naught, and I too tend to be merely an avuncular "pal" these days with women , but I want to let you know that I am sure everyone sees you as someone they look up to, someone whose wisdom and knowledge inspire and someone we all look forward to being around. No one ever said it was going to be easy being a genuine Renaissence man you know...
They're faking it, they're tolerating me, when I'm not around they shake their heads and say "poor guy, I wish he'd get it but there's no way".
You know, of course, that this is utterly untrue.
what do you mean you'll be alone? you have a cat!
you know, each day i gotta deal wif the fact that the food bitch loved the weasel much more than she love me. why i gotta deal wif that? it ain't fair! i should be someone's one-and-only interactive diva cat. yet here i am in a house full of hair from a daid weasel hybrid and sure i get chicken on a stick (but off the stick for me) and petted and catnip cigars, but i am not number one! i wanna be number one!
anyway, look, this is what you gotta deal w. when you are an experiential positivist, and i don't unnerstand why they call it positivism when if you base your philosophy on what you see and experience first hand how it gone be positive?
More like that guy that after everyone leaves, and gets in their cars thinks "I hope I said one thing tonight that fools conrad into thinking I'm intelligent, witty, and observant enough to continue his company".
But you're right about the "don't get it" part.
You don't get how much people enjoy you, and look forward to seeing you.
I've re-read your post a couple of times and can't help wondering what sort of compliments someone might give you that aren't about what great things you do for them? I mean, the only real experience anyone has of anyone else is what that person gives them. I can't honestly suggest any better measure and by that measure you are awfully well loved. Most of what people say about you distills down to "I respect, admire, and love Conrad and when he's not here I wish he was."
You're a welcome part of a lot of lives. Precious few people can say that with any honesty. You're only alone insofar as no one is screwing you at the moment, which is a fairly crass measure of lonliness.
2003-10-14 04:06 pm (UTC)
Your right. People do feel better after they give advice. I think that most people, including myself, have a hard time dealing with real emotion (my wife reminds me of this on a daily basis). It makes people uncomfortable because they do not know how to process the information once it is “out there”. I think giving advice is a coping mechanism which makes people feel better about themselves. It allows for people to sleep at night because once the problem is solved in their mind, there is no reason to think about it anymore. Then, when the same problem is voiced again, people are confused because they can remember back and think, “Gee, I already gave him advice about that; why is the problem still there? I guess he did not take my advice…”
All I can say is that I admire you for voicing your thoughts about your life. It a lot of ways, you’re are healthier emotionally than most people because you admit you actually have problems.