The American Caliban (substitute) wrote,
The American Caliban
substitute

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Health Benef...

We had our BENEFITS MEETING at work. It took place in a cavernous glass walled room for maximum echo, without any PA, and without a presentation system, so that we had trouble hearing and the powerpoint was passed out xeroxed. Always a good start.

Benefits next year are... um.. worse. Much more expensive, and lots of hurdles in the way of actually getting your disease fixed. They have those things now where they call you up and want to "manage" your chronic disease, and they want you to call a rent-a-nurse before seeking care. So, I summarized it for my coworkers who couldn't be there:

For those of you who missed the meeting or couldn't hear, here's the highlights:

* Sign up now for uhc.com's Super Fantasy Health Care 2004 Season! Pick your doctors, plot your strategy, and see how much actual health care you can get for your fee. With lives on the line this is the most exciting fantasy sport product yet! Actual health care not provided.

* If you are suffering from gunshot wound, hemorrhagic fever, uncontrollable seizures, or acute appendicitis, a Registered Dissuader may contact you and prevent you by force from obtaining actual health care. This is all part of the changing landscape of today's economy.

* A money saving tip: Use our convenient mail-order pharmacy! We save money hiring temps from halfway houses to figure out your prescription, dispensing with those overpaid "pharmacy degree" types. Everyone wins!

* Remember: Every time you seek out health care, Baby Jesus cries.

* A representative from the Health Abatement Team may contact you if you suffer from chronic conditions such as heart disease, emphysema, diabetes, or constipation. This program, which is entirely voluntary, offers a variety of "exit strategies" and care alternatives provided by trained and caring euthanasia professionals. Together, we can beat health care costs the dignified way.

Please don't hesitate to contact us at any time for an upbeat, humorous, and team-building talk about care alternatives. To your Health!
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