?

Log in

No account? Create an account
Breaking news is neither - A Shout Out to My Pepys [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
The American Caliban

[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ archive | journal archive ]

Links
[Links:| Dad Pinboard Last.fm Subscribe to me [Friendfeed] Flickr ]

Breaking news is neither [Jan. 5th, 2010|11:07 pm]
The American Caliban
[Tags|, ]
[Current Mood |artistic]

All the news services offer BREAKING NEWS ALERTS sent to my email or phone. I am a sucker for these things, because I think they will provide only the real zingers, and right away.

Unfortunately they never work. What I want is JAPAN INVADES AGAIN or PRESIDENT REVEALED AS FREDONIAN AGENT or AIDS CURED.

What do I get? The resignation of athletic coaches, the leaked possibility of the announcement of some politician's retirement, some celebrity did something, someone who has been decrepit for a decade dies, Christmas occurs.

With a moment's thought it is clear how this happens. Someone says "we shall have breaking news alerts" and everyone knows what this means; it means the big stories I want. There are not very many of these. Maybe none for months! Meanwhile they notice that each one of these alerts creates a crapload of traffic to the website.

Eventually the marketing people will lobby for more frequent alerts, and they will start adding less shocking stories, and it will get more watered down. Finally there will be an "alert cycle" that is nearly a schedule, and someone will sell ad packages including the alerts. At this point not as many people rush to the site after an alert, but it's still more than typical traffic, and that is what counts.

And that is also why someday Christmas will last six months.

In better news, I had a hell of a good plate of brown rice with saffron tonight.

How are you all?
LinkReply

Comments:
(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: substitute
2010-01-06 07:38 am (UTC)
WELCOME ANTS
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: capn_jil
2010-01-06 08:29 am (UTC)
i am so tired. had guests for many days during which much fun was had but little was accomplished and i spent yesterday asleep; dreaming of returning to a regular schedule but i don't think that's going to happen for a while yet. on the other hand all the busy shit is in service of excellent plans. but it will be so nice to sit ass down again.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: substitute
2010-01-07 07:09 am (UTC)
I am substitute and I approve of sit ass down again.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: mallorys_camera
2010-01-06 12:08 pm (UTC)
"News" as the ultimate marketing tool...
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: fattmike
2010-01-06 07:06 pm (UTC)
I heated a can of Progresso Chicken Barley soup at 10PM last night. I then proceeded to ingest it. Film at 11.
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: substitute
2010-01-07 07:10 am (UTC)

at least it wasn't Congresso

Those soups have so much salt in them that I become a rasher of bacon when I eat them. Cannot do it any more!
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: fattmike
2010-01-08 09:40 pm (UTC)

Re: at least it wasn't Congresso

I tried Congresso once and got Swine Flu. So much for the "you can't catch it from swine" argument.

PS -- amazingly, salt is about the only thing my body does NOT react negatively to, but then again, I can't remember the last time I actually salted anything, either -- except for soup. I once made a lovely chicken soup without adding ANY salt. It smelled wonderful, lots of neat spices, and it tasted like hot dishwater :p
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: rpkrajewski
2010-01-07 02:43 am (UTC)
Something is happening somewhere !
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: substitute
2010-01-07 07:10 am (UTC)
I want to believe.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
From: besskeloid
2010-01-07 10:50 am (UTC)
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: substitute
2010-01-07 11:16 am (UTC)

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

WET COLD STUFF FROM THE SKY OOOOH MAN YOU GOTTA GET A FUCKING LOAD OF THIS SHIT. FUCK. FUUUUUCK.
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: leolo
2010-01-07 06:46 pm (UTC)
There was an old man from Quebec
Got buried in snow to his neck
When asked "are you firz?"
He replied "yes I is,
But we don't call THIS cold in Quebec!"
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: torgo_x
2010-01-18 01:24 pm (UTC)

Crawl, I say, CRAWL!

I'd give my left nut for someone to sneak this in as a crawl on CNN-etc:
 
 

George Carlin- "The Secret News"

Here is the Secret News:

All people are afraid

No one knows what they're doing.

Everything is getting worse.

Some people deserve to die.

Your money is worthless.

No one is properly dressed.

At least one of your children will disappoint you.

The system is rigged.

Your house will never be completely clean.

All teachers are incompetent.

There are people who really dislike you.

Nothing is as good as it seems.

Things don't last.

No one is paying attention.

The country is dying.

God doesn't care.

Shhhhh.

(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)