ON THIS fifteenth day of the month of April, in the year of our Lord Two Thousand Eight,
IN THIS City of Newport Beach,
IN THIS County of Orange,
IN THIS State of California,
BEING THAT numerous people we know have had a day which is unduly full of Fecal Matter, packed with Refuse, jammed to the brim with Sludge, and frothing over the top with Bilge and Sputum,
AND ALSO BEING THAT this comes on the heels of the first third of an inauspicious Year full of Death, Illness, Divorce, Injury, unrequited Romantic Love, great Trials at the Hands of the Government, loss of Employment, undeserved Torment at the hands of uncaring Bureaucracy, mental Anguish, Overwork, and inexplicable Failures of the Providence in which we Trust,
AND IT BEING OBSERVED THAT the Holiday was not Observed on the Fourth Day of March this Year of our Lord Two Thousand Eight, and that this month of April has brought not only our Country's Loathsome Day of Tax, but also many Trials and Insults that were not seen in the Month of March, issuing forth a Crappe-Load of additional Crappe,
IT IS HEREBY PROCLAIMED that the Fifteenth Day of April in this Year shall be known as Crapmas.
By the Power and the Seal of the Great Lodge of the Exalted and Honorable Order of the Diedrichs Table, vested in me in my Office as an Ancient and Confirmed Member of the Thirty-Third Degree, I do proclaim this forth.
General and Presiding Plinthist
Grand Oriental Chief of the Ninth Secret Lodge
Grand Persiflager of the Reformed Templars