The American Caliban (substitute) wrote,
The American Caliban
substitute

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The stripes were of course horizontal

A couple of weeks ago I turned on the TV and stared into it for a few hours. It's not my favorite medium, but occasionally I get this urge to watch real crap TV, the equivalent of stale Twinkies.

So, of course, I was watching "reality." In this case, it was one of the many Cops-type police "reality" shows. This one was done in the cheapest possible way. All the footage was taken from the video cameras in cop cars that record vehicle stops. I assume this film was all either free or for a nominal charge since it's in the public domain. They had that loud asshole ex-cop guy as the "host", the one who does this on half these shows, but only voiceover. They weren't going to pay him screen time.

Most of it was typical "greatest hits of the car cam" stuff. Guy pulls over and runs away. Guy fights cop. Guy is real drunk. And then, suddenly, beauty.

The cop was chasing this beat up ol' truck who wouldn't pull over. The announcer, in a fit of tragic irony, mentioned several times that the cop didn't know this guy had just been cheated on by his wife and was being all crazy and stuff. Chase fun ensued, and finally the guy pulled over. Then he wouldn't get out of the car. So far this was typical crap.

Then of course he tried to back into the cop and there was lots of stuff in reverse and yelling. Finally he got out of the car but clearly wanted a fight. He charged the cop and they grappled,

Whoo! Out of nowhere came another car which screeched to a halt. A guy got out of the car and joined the fight helping the cop. The announcer informed us that this was a heroic retired cop helping a brother in need. However, things weren't going well for our heroes, since Angry Man was big, and really angry. This is when the beauty occurred.

Another car arrived and out burst A REALLY FAT MAN IN A RED AND WHITE STRIPED SHIRT AND A BIG SILLY HAT WITH A TASSEL ON IT! This man came roaring out of the left frame, grappled Angry Man, and then fell on top of him, immobilizing him. Cop & Bro were able to cuff Angry Man.

I swear this guy looked like Where's Waldo with Obelix's build. He was Comic Fat Man from Central Casting. He obviously gets up this morning and says "Time to put on my comic fat guy suit!"

Big Fat Guy in Striped Shirt needs his own shoe. Every week, the kids or the cops at the precinct will get in a big jam, and things will look pretty bad, and then BLAMMO! Outa fucking nowhere comes Big Fat Guy in a Striped Shirt and Silly Hat and saves the day! If possible he should save said day by falling on stuff, leaning on stuff, sitting on stuff, or otherwise using gravity and mass to his advantage. He could fall out of closets Fibber McGee style or roll down hills, or even crash through the ceiling.

I like Fat Guy in a Striped Shirt. I hope he shows up if I'm ever in trouble.
Tags: fatguys, tv
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