The American Caliban (substitute) wrote,
The American Caliban

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Look, just forget I said anything, ok?

In a sign that I have reached a new personal low, I've been using some of these online dating services. This is because everyone I know is 15 years younger than me and no one will date me. I am a creechy old man in my own social circle. Whatever with me. It's not happening.

I have some observations about these services. Please note that my feelings about this are not to be held as representative of my feelings about women, human relations, sex, or any other Great First Principles. I'm bitter and misanthropic about all that too, but not today. Today we have:

  1. People suck.

  2. On most dating services everyone is "down to earth", "sick of the games", "fun", "loves to laugh", and "wondering if anyone is out there". Also, "tired of the bar scene". Shut up, shut UP, SHUT UP.

  3. If everyone who said they liked the outdoors on personals did, we'd have no one indoors. You're all a bunch of couch potatoes and liars.

  4. Please don't say you're a princess. No one is a princess. This is America, we did away with our aristocracy a long time ago. We're all just folks.

  5. Women my age (see last post) for some reason all seem to have big poofy blonde 80s hair. I can't deal. I know this is unfair. I just don't want to go on a first date with someone who looks like the real estate agent on my free notepad.

  6. I am obviously still 23 (see last post) because only younger people seem to make any sense to me at all, at all, at all. People my age are all about money and stupid middle-class hobbies.

  7. I shall now give up because I will never ever get a date this way; I am not an athletic, outdoorsy prince who loves to live and laugh and wants nothing more than to cuddle with a movie and his princess. If anyone meets someone like that, please kill him for me.

The exception to these rules is where everyone is a Public Radio-loving, left-leaning, ecowarrior-vegenazi who likes indie this and alternative that and fight the power. These people all hate me also. I tried matches with several likely looking people and I got my first rejection approximately 30 minutes later. Forget them; they're all a bunch of new age hippies anyway with Free Tibet stickers on their SUVs.

If i sound bitter, it's just because I'm really bitter. :)

P.S. Anyone whose listed last book read is by Tom Robbins should be used for BAIT CHUM.
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